Depression and the Loss of an Entertainment Icon

As the whole world mourns the loss of a great man, we are reminded of how precious life really is and how quickly it can be taken away.  I never met Robin Williams in person but, like many, I grew up watching him on TV and film.  He possessed such immense talent and versatility as a performer that you couldn’t help but be drawn to him, his characters, and his persona.  Many have said that he was like family to them, even though they had never met him.  Others feel, as I do, that a piece of their childhood was taken from them when Robin died.  His work went far beyond entertaining and his performances in movies like Dead Poets Society and Good Morning Vietnam literally changed the way I looked at the world.  Obviously a great deal of work goes into TV shows and films and much credit goes to the screenwriter as well as other staff but when an actor’s performance brings a story to life in a way that poignantly affects your personal reality and shapes your mind, you know that actor possess immense talent.  Robin Williams possessed immense talent and I doubt anyone would debate me on that matter.

A Life Worth Living

I am not a big sports fan.  I do enjoy a visit to Camp Randall Stadium on a Fall Saturday to cheer on our Badgers and I don’t mind the occasional trek out to Miller Park to see the Brewers in action.  There is something quite amazing about seeing the Packers play with home field advantage on the infamous Lambeau Field and I do usually participate in some March Madness fun, at least until Marquette, UW and Louisville are out of the running.  Yeah, I’m a Louisville fan, don’t have a really good reason, but it is somewhat of an amusing story – maybe I’ll share it sometime!  However, that is the extent of my interest in sports.  I don’t watch sports on television, I don’t read the sports page of the newspaper, Sports Center is never playing on my TV and I usually turn the news off before it gets to the sports updates.  With all that lack of sports interest, I somehow was exposed to a poem that apparently was made famous by a college football coach.  Setting aside that fact, I found the poem to actually be quite thought provoking and felt the need to share those thoughts.

I apologize in advance to all football fans out there because I truly have no knowledge of, or appreciation for the accomplishments of, the gentleman I am about to talk about but after reading the poem, I do have a genuine respect for the man.  Paul William “Bear” Bryant was a college football player and coach and was head coach of University of Alabama for 25 years.  He is known as one of the greatest and winningest college coaches of our time and, from what I understand, is highly regarded and respected in the football community.  This great man kept a copy of a poem in his pocket that he read every day.  A poem that contains an important message that everyone should hear and probably should contemplate daily as well.  I really don’t know much about this man, but I do know that if he read this poem every day and lived by the advice it provides, it’s no surprise that he rose to greatness and high regard.  The poem, untitled with author unknown, provides insightful words that made me stop and question my own life and how I am choosing to live it. 

This is the beginning of a new day.
God has given me this day to use as I will.
I can waste it or use it for good.

What I do today is important as I am
exchanging a day of my life for it.

When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever.
Leaving something in its place I have traded for it.

I want it to be a gain, not loss–good, not evil.
Success, not failure,

in order that I shall not forget the price I paid for it.

Author Unknown

 

I have heard similar messages before but none made me ponder my own life quite as much as this did.  I have been told to “Seize the Day” and to “Live my Dash” but they just didn’t have the same impact as the words of this poem.  I do have a strong faith and I absolutely believe that everything we are given in this life is a gift from God and can be taken away as quickly as it was given.  I realize all too well how short life is, having lost my entire immediate family before I was 23 years old, and that it too can be over without a moment’s notice.  I use the line “life is too short” all the time but I don’t really stop to think about it on a smaller scale.  When I heard the words “What I do today is important as I am exchanging a day of my life for it”, it put things in a slightly different perspective for me.  I have come a long way in my personal development over the years and I do now believe that my life is worth something, that I serve a purpose and that a day of my life is something to be incredibly grateful for. 

I didn’t always feel that appreciative of my life.  When I was 17 years old, I made a decision that my life was not worth living, that I didn’t serve a purpose in this world and that I wasn’t loved or appreciated by anyone.  I grabbed a couple pills from almost every prescription and non-prescription bottle in our medicine cabinet, which was a pretty potent collection considering both of my parents had cancer and were on quite the assortment of drugs.  After taking the pills, I went into my room, turned the light off, laid down in my bed and embraced the relief that comes with the thought of never having to live life again.  A simple note explaining my lack of desire to live was left by my bedside and I was ready for the end, for it all to just be over.  Contrary to my desires and misguided thoughts, God had a different plan for me and my life.  At some point, after giving up on my life, I fell out of bed and was convulsing on the floor when my parents came into my room to figure out what the noise was.  I was rushed to the ER to have my stomach pumped and to be monitored for multiple days.  I spent the week of junior year finals in the hospital, on suicide watch.  This incident created quite the rift in our family dynamic and led to me moving out and living at a friend’s house for my entire senior year of high school.  After many, many hours of therapy, I was able to reunite with my family and come to an acceptable agreement that would allow me to move back home.  We continued my therapy for many years and the relationship with my parents was eventually mended to the point that I was very much at peace with where we stood prior to each of them passing away.  As I stated before, I do now believe that life is worth living and I am grateful to God for sparing my life so many years ago so that I may somehow make a difference in this world today.

Sometimes I forget that incident, that part of my life, that darkness I felt so long ago.  Maybe I purposely shut it out or maybe my mind has finally taken me to a place of peace with what happened, knowing that it does no good to dwell on it.  Whatever the reason, I haven’t thought about it in a long time, until I heard that poem.  An untitled, unknown authored poem that a football coach used to carry around in his pocket and read every day to keep him focused on what really mattered in life.  This poem has made me question exactly what my life is worth these days and what I am willing to exchange for a day of it.  Is my life worth nothing more than exchanging a day on the job for?  Is it worth something less than exchanging for more time with my son would be worth?  Am I not worthy of happiness, love, companionship, and fulfillment of dreams?  Do I use my days for good, honoring God and the gift He gave me or for evil, in direct opposition of my faith?  Is my day spent working toward success or settling for failure?  At the end of each day, have I lived it in a way that I would consider to be a net gain or a loss? 

Whatever I have done with my life in the past, I will be making a conscious effort to change my future!  I will start each day telling myself that “This is the beginning of a new day.  God has given me this day to use as I will.  I can waste it or use it for good.”  I will then pray that God helps me use it for good and not let another day go by, wasted!